


Strider's Theorem

by JKiryu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Universe, Introspection, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Phone Sex, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Content, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 20:40:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6093400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JKiryu/pseuds/JKiryu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: Bro.<br/>TT: I wouldn't want to disturb your routine of emotional derailments, but could you grant a word to your carbon fiber robofriend in order to avoid the practical demonstration of the “Strider's Theorem”?<br/>TT: “Dirk Strider's level of depression is equal to the amount of hours Jake English spends alone, squared”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strider's Theorem

**Author's Note:**

> This story is just a bunch of sins and I'm not sorry.

During one of your solitary explorations, you discovered with great satisfaction that not all treasures are found by digging deeply. You ventured into one of the tallest skyscrapers you could find and you finally had the opportunity to confirm a theory that had been running through your head for a couple of weeks. The small counter you managed to build thanks to the alchimeter is blinking less frequently, notifying you of the minimal levels of krypton registered in the atmosphere; the thought of finally being able to take that obstruction off your face makes you more than a bit relieved.

Your hands reach the tight latch of the gas mask behind your head and with a sharp gesture you slide off the girth, freeing your face with a breath. Taking deep gasps of oxygen almost makes you feel reborn and you spend the next few minutes enjoying the rediscovered sensation. Your naked eyes shoot outside the window-like porch, drawn by the lightning that struck close to the building. The scenery is incredible, nothing you could have ever imagined when you still lived in the middle of the ocean. There's only one thing that makes you feel at home, which is, unfortunately, solitude. Everything seems so quiet without him, and that loss, even just for a few hours, is starting to drag your mood down like an anchor. You decide then to slide on your faithful shades, but what you thought could help you feel more at ease, only confirms your sheer idiocy in believing that that glass screen could block out your feelings forever.

TT: Bro.  
TT: I wouldn't want to disturb your routine of emotional derailments, but could you grant a word to your carbon fiber robofriend in order to avoid the practical demonstration of the “Strider's Theorem”?

You had almost forgotten about him, about that presence that every time reminds you of the damned day you decided to imprint the mirror of your younger self's conscience into a fucking pair of shades. The most reckless move ever made.

TT: Talk.  
TT: “Dirk Strider's level of depression is equal to the amount of hours Jake English spends alone, squared”.  
TT: Appropriate, if you think about this sentence as one conceived unironically and with a calculation of probability coming from a superior level, which for your information is infallible.  
TT: Applying this theorem to your present situation, I can state with absolute certainty that very soon I'm going to witness a majestic unfolding of smothering bullshit in a perfect “Dirk Strider” style.  
TT: What an unfortunate waste of my calculation ability.  
TT: Can I just ask, what the fuck are you talking about?  
TT: At the very best YOUR CALCULATIONS are a spontaneous realization of the basic concept of bullshit, which has nothing to do with the thing you suppose I'm about to commit.  
TT: But you know what? This time I won't risk getting mixed up in one of your ironic monologues about my sentimental life.  
TT: I'm out.  
TT: I don't think so. You're going to stay here and my words are going to sink straight into your cerebral cortex, while your thoughts are going to focus on the desire of rejection typical of the “sour grapes” syndrome.  
TT: You're going to keep fighting the inevitability of the fact that you can't help but listen to my words, convincing yourself that you actually have the willpower to stop.  
TT: You know I'm doing this for you.  
TT: Great.  
TT: Not specifically.  
TT: At least until you'll decide to follow my directives.  
TT: Why don't you,  
TT: Listen.  
TT: I won't follow your directives. I'm not being ironic.  
TT: I know that your passive-aggressive attacks are aimed to make me feel thankful for what you're doing for me every minute of your existence, but news flash: it will never happen.  
TT: Your processor is powerful enough for you to understand that, I don't need to stress this point of the conversation.  
TT: Take a good pin and stick it on the sentence in question.  
TT: I'm starting to sense the familiar and solid atmosphere of your gratitude.  
TT: From my limited position of humble glasses, I've succeeded where you haven't even tried, and I did that while you were stuck in your dream world, Mr. Multitasking.  
TT: I'm talking about the English case, obviously.  
TT: No.  
TT: I knew where you were going to get at.  
TT: I won't listen to another word from you about this topic. We have discussed it at least a dozen times already.  
TT: Neither one of us has ever talked about it and maybe that's for the better, since he's probably thinking that all of this has been a machination I geared up so he would be forced to have a relationship with me.  
TT: It's not like that.  
TT: It seems you're forgetting that I've saved all your asses. Transcendentally, I'd add.  
TT: And I don't need calculations to have a clear image on my virtual desktop of your obvious expression when you saw Jake kissing my sendificated human support. I will do you the favor of reminding you that it was your head.  
TT: Which sounds quite hypocritical if I may say so.  
TT: It's not hypocritical, it's embarrassing!  
TT: It's embarrassing not being able to explain to your boyfriend that he had to kiss a severed head because of your autoresponder, worrying that he's going to think I'm even crazier that he already believes I am!  
TT: My boyfriend, well. I don't even know when we decided to be together like this.  
TT: We just are, yet neither of us ever wondered when we actually started dating.  
TT: Maybe I'm worrying too much, but I always have the feeling that there's something wrong with all of this.  
TT: May I dare suggesting a clue?  
TT: Maybe it's because two randomly selected kindergartners could have a higher chance of engaging in a more interesting relationship than the two of you. Just saying.  
TT: Bullshit.  
TT: Our relationship is more than okay.  
TT: You know that is not true.  
TT: Can I ask when was the last time your lips met, even by accident?  
TT: I'm guessing never. I could see with my own eyes your every clumsy attempt at flirting with that boy.  
TT: Dude, you're a trainwreck.  
TT: Do you remember that time you wanted to confess everything to him with such a delightful cheesiness and instead you ended up with that pathetic remark?  
TT: “I'm from the future”. I've never felt more ashamed of having your initials engraved on my RAM.  
TT: What??  
TT: Alright, I've had enough.  
TT: I have no intention of listening to a fucking program making fun of me.  
TT: We've never kissed? What do you care? What bizarre variable in your calculation memory is going to influence that detail?  
TT: I just find it ironic that I have kissed your boyfriend, while you still haven't managed to do so.  
TT: An inconvenient situation, don't you think?  
TT: …  
TT: I'm sorry I've hurt your feelings, bro.  
TT: No, you're not. You don't even know what feeling sorry means.  
TT: False. In order to atone, I want to give you some useful advice for the nearest future.  
TT: You know you can always count on me. You would be dead if it wasn't for my decisions.  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: First of all, let's try to solve the query that's been gnawing at us. Do you have serious intentions towards Jake?  
TT: I mean, it's been a month. Not even a kiss. I'm starting to worry.  
TT: It's none of your business.  
TT: Your statement is insincere. And the worst thing is that I already know the answer, that was only a rhetorical question.  
TT: Come on, I want to see it in writing.  
TT: Fine!  
TT: Would it be enough to inflate your ego if I said that yes, I have serious intentions towards him?? I'd like to go beyond the status of “adventure pals forever together”.  
TT: The fact is that he doesn't seem remotely interested in that and I don't want to pressure him about such a delicate topic.  
TT: I can hold back. I have been doing that for years, a few months more won't kill me.  
TT: Holding back while moaning his name during the night?  
TT: This conversation is over.  
TT: I want to be honest with you. All the honesty a pair of shades can show you.  
TT: If you keep it up like this, it's not going to be a few months. You're passively sparring with someone who avoids mentioning the fact that he has exchanged body fluids with a severed head.  
TT: You're never going to hear him quote sentences straight from those movies that he likes so much, like “make me yours” or “kiss me, you idiot”.  
TT: Absolutely preposterous.  
TT: Years will pass and you're still going to be playing adventurers.  
TT: Is this what you want, Dirk?  
TT: No, it isn't.  
TT: This is why you should contact him and start smoothing the way.  
TT: I don't want your advices!  
TT: First of all, that would be humiliating. I won't be taking lessons about this from an artificial intelligence I created.  
TT: Second of all. I won't fall victim of your umpteenth manipulation. No hacks. No screening our calls. None of that. I want you to stay entirely out of it.  
TT: The point is,  
TT: Will you be able to finally make your move, or are you going to confirm your incompetence in this field of human interactions?  
TT: Anyway, I'm going to show you that my concern was genuine and terminate our emotional escalation.  
TT: I'll eagerly wait for new developments.  
TT: Don't disappoint me.

You take a deep breath and try to calm down, before heading towards a bare wall in the room to sit down and give yourself a break. All that talking only added more drops to the sea of agitation in your heart, which hasn't given you a moment of peace ever since Jake decided to go roam his planet without you. Every time he gets away from you, you're afraid; afraid that it would be the last time you see him and that he won't come back to you again. Many times you've fantasized about meeting him, having him reciprocate your feelings. Sometimes the fear of rejection was suffocating, but somehow you managed to get together and you're still able to pick apart every single detail that hasn't gone as you predicted. After all, NOTHING went as you imagined. It's not like you'd pictured it, or at least, not as easy. You've always been accustomed to hold conversations through a screen, thinking that once the moment would come, the words would come out on their own, but it wasn't like that. When you're facing Jake you can't say anything and you'd rather keep everything bottled up than appear weak in front of him. Neither of you seems to understand the other and you've been in this uncertain state for a month, and you know it's all going to come crashing down sooner or later, like a castle of cards in the middle of a hurricane.

You start nervously tapping your fingers on your knee, now bent close to your chest. Your gaze is fixed on the dusty floor, as if it was possible that the answer to your problems could suddenly appear on the worn tiles. You know it won't happen and your heart has started thundering in your chest again from the anxiety, that question still swirling in your mind: _what should I do with Jake?_

You're hesitating, again. Your boyfriend's chumhandle is glowing on your shades' lenses, waiting for you to act, but even something so simple feels like the hardest thing in the world right now. The moment you open that chat, he's going to know that you were thinking about him, and he's going to inevitably wonder why you were looking for him. And what are you going to say? Sure, it would be easier to talk about it in writing, but the problem would still be there, since you can't just openly tell him _I want something more from you_. And even if you were able to tell him, what is he going to think of you after that? Jesus, you don't even want to think about it. Surely you don't want to appear like a desperate man, which has been your main and worst fear lately. _Breathe, Strider._ One conversation never killed anyone. For starters you could contact him... like you just did. Your heart skips a beat, but you've already jumped into it, and that's what matters. Now you just have to plan your words, weight them carefully, so that you won't look like a psycho. First of all you should say hi, and maybe ask how and what he's doing. No, that's exactly the kind of desperate behavior you want to avoid. You don't want to pressure him and you won't, you consider this a promise made to yourself. Or maybe you could let him talk first for once, even if it bothers you not to have control on-

GT: Dirk?

No, it's too soon. You don't even know what you want to get at with this. You should have figured he'd get suspicious after keeping the chat window open for whole minutes without typing a word. Congratulations, Einstein. 

GT: Errrr.  
GT: Maybe it's just my imagination, but tell me im not about to incur in one of the old fashioned trolling from your nefarious autoresponder.  
TT: Hey.  
TT: No, nothing like that.  
TT: I think I've accidentally started a conversation with you.  
GT: Oh uhm… ok then?  
GT: To be perfectly honest i thought my best bro was looking for another adventurer for an improvised crypt looting.  
GT: But if it was a mere misunderstanding im going to leave my partner in his well-deserved peace like a respectable gentleman.  
GT: *Winks.*  
TT: Listen.  
TT: Maybe there's something I want to say.  
TT: Or maybe not.  
TT: No, on second thought it's nothing important, forget about it.  
GT: I believe it would be politically correct for you to show your hand like a fair adversary at his last round.  
GT: Desist your secretive act and spill the beans. You know you can tell me anything!  
TT: So, for instance, since I can tell you anything, you should be able to actively engage in a conversation about an integrated circuit. Fascinating.  
GT: Ehm.  
GT: I would feel more comfortable debating topics extrapolated from literary and cinematographic pieces like the laws of robotics if i really find myself forced to this particular range of information.  
GT: I believe i still have them down cold!  
TT: Now I know who to turn to in case a berserk AI is trying to rip my heart out. Thank you, Jake.  
GT: Heh heh.  
TT: Truth is, that none of my roboquestions is the bottom line here. In fact, it's the exact opposite of that.  
TT: As I've already said, it's nothing important.  
GT: Argh!  
TT: Jake.  
GT: ?  
TT: Would you like to talk for a while?  
GT: Sure fella but i have to admit that such a request acquires a certain undertaste if the person asking for it happens to be you. Is there something wrong?  
TT: Everything's as usual.  
TT: What are you doing?  
GT: I made a quick bounce to the english household to check that the skeletons hadnt ransacked everything again.  
GT: Those scoundrels had been scattering my loot.  
GT: Blasted!  
GT: An adventurer like me cannot waste his time tidying up his own home. It's a real and truthful matter of honour for goodness sake!  
TT: I see.  
TT: This is why you left without telling me anything.  
GT: I beg your forgiveness but i didnt think it would take SO long. Those felons left an inconceivable debacle behind.  
GT: Are you angry with me?  
TT: No.  
TT: Just a bit worried.  
TT: You're not hurt, are you?  
GT: Im fine! I would have been entirely forlorn if such a chance really had befallen me!  
GT: Bro I wouldnt want to venture any superficial allegation only to rouse your denial but theres something about you today that makes me rather suspicious and id like to understand.  
GT: Is it my fault? Did i do something to upset you?  
TT: No. Or better, only partially so.  
TT: The problem is me.  
GT: For the love of god dirk just speak out!  
TT: It's about our relationship.  
GT: Oooook… *takes a deep breath.*  
GT: What has been bumming you in particular?  
TT: Everything.  
GT: Everything? Blimey thats not exactly nothing important like you mentioned!  
TT: I can overlook it, these are just momentary thoughts, nothing that can't be solved. I have the situation under control.  
GT: Im calling you.  
TT: You what??  
TT: No, wait.  
TT: There's no need for that.  
TT: Don't even try.  
TT: I'm not answering.  
GT: BLOODY HELL DIRK YOURE GOING TO TELL ME EVERYTHING NOW!

 

You don't even have time to retort before your phone starts ringing in your pocket. You let it go on for a while, but you know very well that Jake is not going to give up so easily. He's going to keep trying until he gets what he wants and you're sure that if you turn off the device he's not going to talk to you for at least two days. You have a maximum of five seconds to think about something smart to avoid the worst humiliation of your life, but the only thing in your mind is a hypothetical reason why you mentioned this topic to him in the first place. The situation completely slipped through your fingers and now you're going to have to pay the consequences, be them good or bad ones. Probably only bad ones.

You inhale slowly and decide to press that damn green button that scares you so much. As you raise the phone to your ear you curse yourself in any way possible for not keeping your mouth shut like you'd usually do. This is what you get from breaking the habit even once.

Weirdly, though, you don't hear anything from the other side. You figured Jake would have tried to shatter your eardrums, but you only find silence. For a moment you wonder if your phone could have reception problems.

« Jake? »

« Oh, um, hi Dirk! » Finally the other's voice reaches your ear, his tone slightly insecure. His nervous chuckle is a clear sign to you; you know Jake's cues by now and you also know that, like you, he's not very good at putting his thoughts into words, especially is it's about something serious and personal. You figure he also got the vibe that this is going to be a heavy conversation and you can't stop wondering _why the hell did he want to call you like this._

« Hi » you reply, keeping your voice steady. 

« So... what is it? »

« What is what? »

« You know what! »

You keep borrowing time, but acting like this won't solve anything. You should try to divert the conversation and change the subject. You're sure you can do that. Maybe you could still get to say what you wanted without sounding like a fool. You just have to try.

« Why have you decided to call me? »

« W-what kind of question is this, it's because you've been keeping me on tenterhooks! What did you mean with that “everything”? »

« I honestly didn't think you cared that much. »

What the hell are you saying, Strider, why do you have to make everything more difficult when you should just try to be honest? And what's worse, Jake has stopped talking again. He surely didn't take that as a compliment. And you wonder what makes you so insufferable to others and to yourself. You're hopeless, you'd deserve it if Jake didn't want anything to do with you anymore. This is why you hate having eye-to-eye confrontations with someone, if a phone call can be considered that. 

« I'm sorry » you're only able to murmur, and from the other side you catch a faint _it's okay_. Jake's voice sounds like a indiscernible whisper; you feel so guilty you want to slap yourself.

« I didn't mean to attack you » you add.

« I can hang up if you want » Jake murmurs.

Your instinct would be to accept his proposal, but you can't provoke him like this and then run into hiding, without even giving him an explanation. After all you're the one who started this, and the least you can do is to try and make him understand how you feel, without exposing yourself too much. For how much longer do you want to pretend? How much longer do you want to convince yourself that everything is okay and that you have everything under control?

« No. Don't » you reply assuredly.

« Dirk, really, I don't… »

« Now listen to me well, because there's a high probability that I won't say this again » you quickly specify. You take a breath and brace yourself to jump in blindly. Your hand starts shaking and your eyes fix on a random spot in the room, while your throat suddenly goes dry. This is surely going to be the hardest conversation of your life.

« You know I'm not good with phone calls » you start.

« Yes, I know » Jake replies with a dull voice.

« Then let's avoid any digressions and stay focused on the main point from now on. » You sigh. This time you know exactly what you want to say and the words you want to use. « Why did you decide to give me a chance? »

« A chance? Oh… OH! » Jake doesn't seem to catch what you meant at first. Maybe it's because you were vague, but you're sincerely convinced you've already said too much, given your standards. You just hope he won't ask for details and just quickly answer your question. He stutters a couple times before speaking up.

« Why shouldn't I have trusted my best bro? Anyone deserves a chance, right? »

« First of all: I know the truth is that you don't trust easily. Second of all: so you would have given that “chance” to anyone? » you almost snarl. You're starting to get riled up, as usual. _Calm down, Strider._

« No, that's not what I meant! » he instantly says in concern, but you don't want to waste time.

« Then explain yourself better. »

« The fact is that I've been thinking for a long time… you know, about us. DON'T GET ME WRONG, not in any particular or embarrassing situation! » You almost hoped it was like that. « I only know that once in a while our normal conversations made me wonder about a potential romantic relationship that could have suddenly sparked up! It was just daydreaming, I never thought that it could come true! »

You get the feeling that you should be offended by all of this beating around the bush, but hearing that Jake has been fantasizing about a future with you, even just once, makes you smile. You still haven't reached the core of the problem, not by a long shot, but you can admit to yourself that such a discovery could be considered an encouragement to make you a little bit braver. Or maybe not.

« But… »

That unexpected word forcibly brings you back on earth. After endless moments of silence you want to urge Jake to go on, but you keep quiet, in a standoff that makes your heart hammer in your chest. You don't know what to expect from him and you're afraid that at any moment he's going to drop a bomb that you won't be able to handle. What is he going to say? _What is he thinking about right now?_

« You know Dirk, maybe you'll think of me as a complete fool for what I'm about to say, and I wouldn't hold it against you. But sometimes I feel like I'm always a step behind you, as if I can't keep up with the rhythm of the expedition! » Jake chuckles, but you still can't understand what he's trying to say. « I mean, it's duper groovy that we get to be together and raid tombs better than good old Harrison Ford could do, seeing that only a year ago all of this was merely a pipe dream! But I wonder if all this is okay. To make things simple, I had pictured it all differently, and now everything I wanted to say is lost in time. I hope you understand, even though maybe I've been stonewalling a bit! »

You understand perfectly, since it's the same feeling you've been having. There was a lot of stuff you wanted to tell Jake before entering the game and you would have preferred things to go like you had planned. You wanted most events to unravel less hurriedly, as to avoid ending up in a state of incompleteness like the one you're both stuck into right now. You just hope that this feeling won't become your future ruin. 

« You know, sometimes I'm even afraid of not being suited to your “standards”! » Jake laughs, but you're alarmed. Even more because of this sentence than for the whole discussion.

« What do you mean by that? »

« Hey, I was just joking! Don't take me seriously! »

« No. You weren't joking. Tell me the real meaning of that sentence » you insist.

« Dirk, I don't- »

« JAKE! »

You raised your voice and you immediately regret it. You can't control yourself when Jake is hiding something from you, and the irony is that you're a pro on the subject. God only knows how much you're hating yourself right now. _You're really awful, Dirk._

« Sorry » Jake murmurs. « The thing is, I'm afraid I'm not enough for your level. I feel the weight of your expectations on my shoulders and this makes me want to be just like you! You make things real, you saved us all! You're a man of action, you are... you are Dirk Strider, for god's sake! Without you I probably wouldn't have the basic notions on how to engage in fisticuffs. I wasn't even able of keeping up with your robot in novice mode before we started to play the game, while you can survive on that death trap of your Land without breaking a sweat! No offense, your Land is fantastic, really! »

« No problem, go ahead » you answer. You're holding your breath because of the way Jake's voice sounds slightly broken up and the way he's suddenly started to talk, without his usual characteristic inflections. He's more serious than ever, now. _And he's about to cry_. He's trying his hardest to hide it from you, and he probably would have succeeded if you weren't so observant. He's speaking with his heart in his hand, while you're still keeping your real self locked up from him. You suddenly feel like the worst human being in the universe.

« You did so much for me. You've always been my best friend and now, just being able to stand beside you is simply epic! So I'm sorry if sometimes I can't be like you, but I'm trying, really! »

« I don't want you to be like me » you murmur, your heart in your throat.

« What? »

You hesitate.

« You heard me » you have to tell him.

« What do you mean? »

_Say it._

« I like you this way. Don't change into something worse » you finally admit in a whisper.

You hear him start and then inhale deeply. He probably doesn't know how to answer you and you probably wouldn't know what to say either if you were in his place. You only know that those two sentences were the most difficult to say out loud.

« Well… I admit I wasn't expecting that from you! »

« Don't get used to it » you smirk. You hear him laugh at that and you feel relieved. 

« But you still haven't told me what your problem is! »

_Shit_. You completely forgot about that, or maybe it's more accurate to say you hoped that HE had forgotten about it. It would be easy to make up an excuse and run away from this chatter, but you would feel guilty after everything that Jake has been able to confess.

« It's nothing to worry about, you can relax » you lie.

« Can I hear it, even if it's presumably nothing serious? »

« Alright » you sigh, giving up. This time you have the upper hand and you can stall the conversation long enough to properly study a good way to present your problem. You can buy as much time as you need. 

« I think this is going to be long, so sit your ass down on some rock and hear me out. » You inhale deeply and slouch more against the wall.

« I'm all ears! »

« Do you remember the day we managed to enter the game and you had to do that thing? »

« What thing? »

« Do I have to spell it out? Under the volcano, that thing about... » you pass your thumb horizontally across your throat, in an eloquent gesture. Only then you remember that he can't see you and with a click of your tongue you decide to complete the sentence, even if the topic is particularly uncomfortable for you.

« When you “kissed” me » you purposefully stress that word, to make him understand the euphemism. You hear a weird groan from his side, which confuses you.

« I'm sorry Dirk, but I don't think I feel ready yet to talk about... you know » he cheeps. You smile, picturing Jake's expression.

« It's… embarrassing » he adds in a whisper, changing the subject. « So… beside this? »

« I just wanted to know if you've ever thought about doing that again. With me » you ask. Maybe this time you've been TOO straightforward. You practically sensed the exact moment Jake has stopped breathing and he probably hasn't been able to exhale from the surprise yet.

« Jake, calm down. It was only a question » you immediately try to make him relax.

« N-No, it's just, you caught me off guard! I didn't think this would be about such a hot matter! »

« So, your answer? »

« I-I… I mean, OF COURSE I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT! NO! I mean, you know, within the boundaries of decency, of course! »

« Really? »

« I SWEAR ON MY GENTLEMAN HONOUR! »

« Okay, so from this I can infer that you wouldn't be opposed if one day I decided to... »

Why are you hesitating now? You were doing so well and you suddenly stop like this, without finishing the sentence? The truth is that you know why you don't want to go on with your rambling, it's because the word you're working up to won't be enough to reflect your real desires.

« …to? »

« Jake I… » you swallow and try not to think about how he just spoke. With a tone so low it sounded like a soft and sensual whisper. « I want you to know that I'm serious about you. So… I think it's normal to want some things to happen, sometimes. »

« Like what? »

You don't think you can stand the anxiety in your chest anymore, so heavy that you're afraid it could crush your thundering heart at any moment.

« I want to kiss you. If you're okay with it » you admit, agitated. Your voice is suddenly lower, as if someone besides Jake could hear you.

« O-okay » he murmurs, and you can clearly sense his complete embarrassment. « The fact is that I've never done that before. »

« Me neither » you reassure him. You can't believe that you reached such a level of shame just talking about a kiss, but you did. You both barely manage to talk about it, but you want to keep discussing it with Jake and see how far this conversation can go. « It would have been improbable to do otherwise. »

Jake lets out an uncomfortable laugh, but the _yeah_ he mutters sounds calm, not as you expected. You think that maybe knowing that you're in his same situation makes him less nervous, relieving him of some of the weight of expectation. Or maybe you're underestimating him. Underestimating his mind and how it could wander with just a fragment of an idea. 

« Dirk, I was just thinking about all this romantic displays of affections thing, and I was wondering for how long… well, I mean, how long have you been pondering this for? »

« A while » you just reply, then stay silent for a moment to think about what to say next, before Jake ambushes you with the most absurd and unpredictable sentence you could have imagined.

« To be honest I thought you wanted to go further than that! »

Your heart skips a beat and you freeze, gaping at your cellphone without knowing how to respond. You don't know how to take this, and you're afraid that a misunderstanding could only bring you to a dramatically embarrassing situation. What he said could have a lot of different meanings, all plausible, such as honestly trying to verify that you didn't want anything more than a kiss, or it could be the exact opposite of that. He could want it too, and the thought of that makes your insides twist. 

« Did you want that? » Your voice comes out hesitant, like a whisper. Jake is silent and you think your heart could jump out of your chest at any moment. You don't know how you ended up talking about this without you bringing it up, but, _Jesus Christ_ , finally luck decided to be on your side for once.

« I-It's not what I actually meant, I SWEAR! And I could ask you the same question, you know! » Jake sounds like a child caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and it makes you feel even more nervous.

« Why do you want to know that? »

Jake hesitates. Jake just hesitated and you realize that this is exactly what you wanted. Just having the confirmation that he fantasized about the possibility in some way makes you quiver in excitement. But right now he's not the only one who's fantasizing and you should hit the breaks before it's too late.

« It was just curiosity! You know, it usually ends like that in movies, so... »

« So? » You have a suspicion, and you hope it's not just your imagination playing tricks on you.

« Nothing! Good grief, I didn't mean to enter such a spicy territory! »

« I would have swore you were about to tell me something » you insinuate.

« No, I was just wondering if you ever thought about something like this. You know... even before the game. I wasn't just talking about me, of course! It's between us guys, you can tell me! For instance, I wouldn't be surprised if you've ever thought about Roxy that way, she's such a fine and sweet lady after all! »

_You goddamn fucking bastard._ You knew he wanted to go there. You knew Jake sounded a little too “forward”, and now you think you know why. In his head there's already an image of you engaging in fairly explicit acts and he's only trying to bait you to confirm his theories. His damned daydreams are starting to affect your body and you become aware of that only when the palm of your hand slides close to your crotch. _Shit Dirk, pull yourself together_. You take a deep breath as you quickly draw back your hand.

« Not Roxy, but I can't honestly say it never happened. I'm human, after all » you admit, trying to play his game. « Even you must have done that with your dear blue ladies. »

« Touché » he just says, but it's more than enough for you.

« So we can at least determine that we're not novices on the topic? »

« Dirk » he whispers and you flinch. His voice sounds oddly serious, or maybe embarrassed; you can't decipher the tone he used to say your name, uttered too fast for you to properly analyze it. « Has it also happened to you... recently? »

How can you answer something different that “fuck yes”, when you've only been thinking about those things. You can't get the thought of Jake provoking you on purpose out of your head, and you have to admit, it's turning you on. Just thinking about what's going on in his mind makes a shiver crawl down your back.

« It… has » you whisper, anxiously waiting for him to reply.

« Really? »

« Don't act like you're surprised » you answer, annoyed, biting your lower lip to hold back a frustrated huff as you squeeze a hand on your crotch, spreading your legs. _God Dirk, what are you doing_. You're so desperate that you're finding an outlet to your needs among your desire and Jake's voice. You just hope he won't notice it. Maybe you should put down the phone, but something in your head tells you _don't even think about it._

« Sorry » he whispers in your ear. « I don't even know why I'm asking you this, really. »

His laugh is soft, but the sigh that follows almost makes you lose it. There's something different in his voice and his manners, but you're convinced it's just your imagination that wants to see it like that.

« I could forgive you if you answer the same question » you murmur.

« Me? Well… I… »

He falls silent for what feels like hours. You close your eyes as your fingers touch the fabric of your pants and pull down the fly, eliciting another shiver before Jake speaks up again.

« Unfortunately I'm afraid I'd sound quite preposterous if I tried to feign a negative answer » he admits.

« And who or what were you thinking about? »

« You tell me first » he answers promptly. You take a deep breath and pray every deity that you're not wrong, that Jake won't think badly of you and won't be creeped out. You found the courage and you want to tell him; your body is trembling for him and this is surely one of the reasons that's making you be so talkative, like you've never been.

« About you. Who else? » you confess, then hold your breath.

« Goodness, Dirk… »

His sigh hits you again like an electric shock and you start pleasuring yourself, holding back every soft whimper that might leave your mouth. It's only then that you properly process what you're doing and you wonder if Jake noticed it or not. In any case it's too late to stop now and you hope that in the worst case he won't shut everything down before you reach the climax.

« I can't help it, Jake… »

« So you really want to… go further? »

« Yes, I really want to » you sigh, then try to control yourself more. « Don't you? »

« I d-don't know. Maybe » he murmurs at your ear.

« Maybe? »

« I think so… »

You hear his voice tremble and become insecure. He might have some doubts about it, but just hearing a positive answer, even if uncertain, makes you feel like your heart is about to burst. For a moment you notice a red light blinking in the corner of your shades, but Hal can go fuck himself for all you care, like hell you're answering him now.

« Jake » you pant. You're on the verge of exposing yourself – if he hasn't already noticed – but the pleasure washing over you is indescribable. Your hand keeps moving rhythmically on your arousal and your chest heaves with your quickened breaths, making it hard for you to form longer sentences. Seconds of silence pass again and you think you're out of your mind doing something like this while Jake can hear you. You think you can even hear him gasp, as if you can sense his breathing, and you feel the overwhelming desire of having him with you right now.

« Dirk, maybe I should hang up » he whispers, his voice oddly alarmed.

« Please, don't » you murmur back in frustration. At this point you've accepted the fact that Jake is well aware of what you're doing, but in these conditions you can't do anything but give up to your need.

« Dirk…! »

For a moment you stop, paralyzed by what you just heard. It couldn't be Jake's voice the one that whimpered out your name like that. Your head starts wandering off, analyzing every reason why he could have done that, but you inevitably come to _that_ conclusion. There's only one way to be sure, and you know it.

« I'm here, Jake » you murmur, and this time you clearly hear his heavy breaths, barely held back. For a moment you think you're going crazy, and you don't want to know if what's happening is real or just a product of your sick imagination. Your hand resumes its movements on your sex even faster than before, while the other one squeezes your cellphone so tightly your knuckles turn white.

« I have to hang up… »

« Don't even try it or I swear on anything I own that I'll crush your phone » you threaten him. Jake moans at that and you think he's surrendered to the idea that you won't let him go, because despite everything, the call never ends. Just imagining what he's doing makes you lose all your lucidity, but you take a deep breath and try to keep yourself grounded, to avoid exposing even more of your feverish desire towards him. You keep alert to catch every single breath he lets out, every tremble and heartbeat. You just want all of that to be yours, only yours, and you possessively wish that no one else but you will ever be able to hear the voice that's sating your ears.

« Jake, who have you been thinking about in your fantasies, lately? »

« Dirk, please, don't… »

« I'm begging you, tell me… »

« I can't! » Jake almost shouts and his suffering tone is the hottest thing you've ever heard. The standstill you're in is the most incredible thing you could have foreseen, but that false unawareness you're both faking is probably the only reason why you've come so far. In an hour you're probably going to act as if nothing happened during this conversation, but you don't care. _You don't give a shit._

« Dirk… »

He keeps moaning your name, once, twice, growing desperate. You think you're about to pass out after the third time, when you picture him underneath you, begging you with that same tone of voice. You're certain you won't last long this way, and neither will Jake, judging from what you can hear, but before it happens you want to make him utter your name again. _You want to hear him scream it_.

« Say it again » you pant, and he barely whimpers, complying to your request. You can't control your breathing anymore and your hand has become a mere extension of your imaginary lover, making him real. You can't even quantify how much you've longed for this to happen, and for how long. The feeling of sharing such a bond with Jake, sensing on your skin that he's thinking about you and no one else as he whimpers your name. You sigh, shaken by shivers, now on the verge to explode. Your voice has become a mess of moans and whispers, but you keep inciting him, making him repeat that single word, something you wish to hear in person one day, with that same tone. You feel like you belong to him and Jake belongs to you, in a fabricated but satisfying complicity. His voice trembles and your body follows suit; you don't stop, urging him, and he whines and quivers as if his reactions were in your hands. In the end, you have to drop the phone, to clamp a hand on your lips and stop yourself from losing control completely; as he reaches his climax, you can't stop yourself from imitating him, pushed over the edge by the thought of how he screamed your name on the peak of his pleasure.

 

\---

TT: I'd hoped you wouldn't disappoint me.  
TT: I'll be waiting for your heartfelt thanks of appreciation.  
TT: In the meantime, have fun.

\---

**Author's Note:**

> I must thank [b1m0](http://b1m0.tumblr.com/) for the Italian-English translation! I'm a potato and too scared of making mistakes!


End file.
